Last updated 12-23-2022
I accept neither credit nor blame for these; I merely compile them.
Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How tall are penguins?" The bartender replies, "About three feet." "Are you sure there aren't any penguins taller than that?" "Maybe four feet, tops, but no taller than that." Santa says, "Oh crap, in that case, I just ran over a nun!"
A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The barman asks, "Well, what does he look like?"
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be $7.50, please," says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know, we don't get very many hippos in here," says the bartender. The hippo replies, "At these prices, it's no wonder!"
A goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool, and looks hard at the bartender, who asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?" The fish keeps looking at the guy and gasps: "Water."
A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and.......... tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender growls, "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says, "That's OK, I just want a drink."
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves the duck, who chugs it down, flies out the door without paying, and leaves a mess all over the bar. The bartender yells as it flies away. The very next day, the duck is back, and askes the bartender for another beer. Knowing it was the same duck, the bartender says, "If you skip out on the tab again, I'm going to nail your ass to the wall!" The duck chugs the beer, flies out of the bar without paying, again, and leaves a mess, again. Now the bartender is really pissed. The next day the duck is back, but this time he asks the bartender if he has any nails. The bartender, puzzled, says, "No, this is a bar, not a hardware store!" The duck then says, "Oh, in that case, I'll have a beer."
A different duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. "Hey, buddy, you haven't paid for the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck, "and just put it on my bill."
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up $50. A third guy walks up with a set of bagpipes. He sits it down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I can get its pajamas off."
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender, startled, asks, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" The blind man says, "Just taking a look around..."
A hotdog walks into a bar and says, "Hey, bartender, give me a beer." The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys'd better not start anything in here..."
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind - this is a singles bar."
Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender looks at them incredulously and exclaims, "What are you, nuts?!? I can't serve you!"
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the bartender. "What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink. "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender. "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you," replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
A man walks into a bar and orders a black and tan. Downing it in two minutes, he asked for another, and as he drained it he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got." The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked, "Why, what have you got?" "About 75 cents," said the man.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He looks around and notices that there are big chunks of meat hanging from the ceiling. Puzzled, he asks the bartender, "Why have you got all this meat hanging around?" The barman says, "It's a little bet we have running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth, then you can drink for free. If you fail, then you have to buy everyone else in the bar a round. Are you going to try?" The man considers for a moment, then shakes his head and replies, "No, the steaks are too high."
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each order a pint of Guinness. As the Englishman lifts the drink to his lips, he sees a fly floating on the head, and he disgustedly pushes the glass away and orders another. The Irishman prepares to take a swallow and sees a fly in his Guinness; he shrugs, picks it out, and drinks anyway. The Scotsman finds a fly in his stout as well, angrily picks it out, and flicks it with a fingernail, yelling, "Spit it ba' out!"
A man walks into a bar with a checkered flag. The bartender looks at him warily and says, "I hope you're not going to start anything with that."
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
The Pope, a rabbi, a blonde, a lawyer, a gay man, an Irishman, a Pole, a Puerto Rican, and a black man all walk into a bar. "What is this," queries the barman, "some kind of a joke?!?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."
A woman walks into a bar and orders a round for everyone. The bartender sets up the drinks, then tells her, "That comes to $125." She says, "I don't have any money." The bartender says, "Then how do you expect to pay for all these drinks?" She flips up her skirt and he can see that she has no panties on. He asks, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
A blind guy walks into a bar and finds a stool at the bar. "Hey, want to hear a really great Pollack joke?" he asks when the bartender brings him his drink. The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know that the bartender and four of his regulars, big mean guys, are all Polish. You sure you want to tell that joke in here?" The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks at him and says, "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whutchoo do up in Pennsylvania?" to which he responds, "I'm a taxidermist." "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy responds, "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys, he's one of us!"
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. "Do you serve lawyers in here?" the man inquires. "Sure do!" replies the bartender. "Great!" says the man. "I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer, please, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks, "Do I come here often?"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders them a beer each. They stand around drinking for hours, until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays his tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey, you're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man replies haltingly, "That'sh a... giraffe, not a lion."
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender tells him, "Hey, you're a real celebrity around here; we've even got a drink named after you!" The surprised grasshopper asks, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he's finished, the bartender asks if he'd like another. Descartes replies, "I think not-" and promptly disappears in a puff of logic.
A sad-looking man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" and the man explains that he'd had a fight with his wife and she told him she wasn't going to speak to him for a month. The sympathetic bartender says, "Awww, that's all right, a month will pass in no time." The man says, "That's the problem, it's up today."
Jesus walks into a bar, slaps three nails down on the counter, and asks the bartender, "Can you put me up for the night?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached through the front of his pants. The amazed bartender looks at it and says, "That can't be comfortable!" and the pirate replies, "Arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
A drunk cowboy walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points to the sign that says "Bathrooms." The cowboy stumbles toward it, and a little while later a blood-curdling scream comes from the bathroom. The bartender paused, but then continued serving drinks. A little while later, there was another horrible scream from the bathroom, so the bartender rushes over and asks, "Are you OK in there?" The cowboy moans, "Every time I try to flush, these two hands come up and squeeze my balls!" The disgusted bartender says, "You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A woman walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a double entendre, please." So the bartender gave it to her.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious! (credited to Bill Bailey)
A cowpoke walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman pours, the cowpoke looks around at the empty barroom. "Say, where is everybody?" he asks. "Gone to the hangin'," says the bartender. "Hangin'? Who they hangin'?" "Brown Paper Pete." "Why do they call him that?" asks the cowpoke. "Well," the bartender says, "his hat's made of brown paper, his jacket's made of brown paper, and even his jeans're made of brown paper." "Really?" says the cowboy. "Well, what're they hangin' him fer?" The barkeep replies, "Rustlin'."
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. C'mon, you can't tell me that that's just a coincidence.
A doctor walks into a bar, where he would regularly have a hazelnut daiquiri. This time, however, the bartender realizes he's out of hazelnut extract, and improvising quickly he throws together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and exclaims, "This isn't my usual! What is this?" to which the bartender replies, "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A SQL query walks into a bar. It approaches two tables and asks, "Mind if I join you?"
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "Oh, no, not U2 again..."
Two ghosts walk into a bar, but the bartender shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."
An SEO marketer walks into a bar, bars, tavern, pub, public house, Irish pub, brewpub, drink, drinks, liquor, beer, shots, alcohol...
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
A man with authority walks into a bar, and orders everyone around.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "Hey, buddy, are you all right?"
